I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When did angry sex become our thing?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
