Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
