I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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