I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
