I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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