Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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