dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
