Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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