Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
