It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Randomize
