my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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