after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
