i just wanna soil my oats bro
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
