I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
