my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
