Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
