I wish my penis had an off switch
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
