3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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