Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
