i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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