People in love make me want to vomit
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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