So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
