My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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