then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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