i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
