I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
