Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
