HIV tests are more positive than that guy
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
