Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
