He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
