so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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