Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
