the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is wine microwaveable?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
