By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
