I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
