I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
