My Higher Power is John Stamos
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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