all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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