I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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