textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
