We're facebook friends in real life
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
