Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
