I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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