how can u be prego again
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
