I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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