The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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