Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
