You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
