The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
