Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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