i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
